Dante's Inferno, Canto II

Canto II.

It was dark, air getting darker and so on. You know how nightfall comes on. Dark, and the usual accoutrements that come with the dark.

This left myself to myself, to get ready for everything I would later remember, which I'm remembering again for you now.

Ideally the Muses, those heaps of terrific, will lend a hand in the telling. And obviously I'll supply the memories.

So I says to him, I says: "Poet! Guide!* Are we entirely sure I'm up for this? This seems like an Army Strong sort of journey, and I'm more like journalist strong, grocery-store strong, regular Monday guy strength.

You say that fellow—no need to name names—looked on Eternity with his mortal eyes. Remarkable!

And good for him! That the gods protected him thus is only right. Nothing is too good for the father of Mother Rome!

Or take St. Paul—please! Ha ha. Just a little joke to lighten the mood. Who's to say Rome was not made just so he'd have a place to be Pope in?

But—and I'm sure this has not escaped your careful eye—you'll notice that I am not Aeneas. I am not even St. Paul. Nor a pope of any kind."

So like someone who says in a letter to a friend, "I'm on my way," when they are not even dressed, then sits down and thinks about how comfortable they are at home, and backs fully out of their promise, I stood there bringing an end in my mind to a plan that now I thought I would probably hate.

"And so I wonder if perhaps it is not a good idea for me to take a guided tour of Hell. Does that make sense? You went to college. Do you think it's a good idea for a regular human man to descend into Hell and gawk at everyone suffering without an invitation? Or is it a better idea for him to live a regular life on Earth, where people live? You tell me. Are occult forces usually safe and friendly, or are they more otherwise? You would know, obviously. I will happily defer to your expertise, if you think it's a smart, safe idea."

HMM, said Virgil. I THINK I SEE. PLEASE BEAR WITH ME A MOMENT AS I ADJUST TO YOUR PARTICULAR DIALECT.

I HAVE HEARD OF THIS. I CATCH YOUR MEANING. THE CANDY LITTLE BABY FEAR, THIS IS A PROBLEM FOR YOU, YES? YOUR SPIRIT IS SICK WITH IT? LIKE A LITTLE VOLE OR SHREW THAT THROWS UP IN PANIC WHEN THE SUN SETS, THIS IS HOW YOU ARE BEHAVING NOW?

DISGUSTING. I UNDERSTAND. I WILL FIX IT RIGHT NOW. LET ME SCRAPE THE FEAR AND UGLY FROM YOUR BAD FACE.

HERE IS HOW I, ME, VIRGIL, CAME TO HEAR ABOUT YOU. I WAS LEVITATING, AS IS MY CUSTOM, WITH THOSE WHO ALSO LEVITATE. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHO THAT IS. A WOMAN CALLED ME. SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL SHE SHOULD BE IN CHARGE.

HER EYES IMPROVED ON STARS. SHE SPOKE A VOICE LIKE SILKWORMS SPINNING SILK.

OBVIOUSLY SHE HAD HEARD ALL ABOUT ME. OBVIOUSLY SHE WAS FAMILIAR. SHE SAID SOME NICE THINGS ABOUT ME AND ASKED AFTER MY MOTHER. I APPRECIATED THAT.

YOUR NAME DID COME UP. I THINK SHE HAD A LITTLE SPASM, HER FACE BROKE A LITTLE. SHE WINCED WHEN WE GOT TO THE PART ABOUT YOU.

IT SEEMS TO ME SHE IS THE ONLY FRIEND YOU HAVE IN THE WORLD, AND THIS MAKES FOR HER MUCH WORK, BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH YOU FALL OVER ALWAYS? SHE SAID YOU WERE TRAPPED SOMEWHERE UGLY AND BEHAVING BADLY. FALLING DOWN, MUD IN YOUR HAIR, ET CETERA.

SHE SAID NEWS OF HOW BAD THINGS GO FOR YOU HAS REACHED GOD. EVERYONE WHO LIVES NEAR HIM IS TALKING ABOUT IT.

I'M NOT SURE HOW YOU KNOW HER? I'M NOT SURE WHO WOULD HAVE INTRODUCED YOU? YOU TRIPPED AND WERE SICK ON HER SHOES ONE DAY DURING A PARADE, PERHAPS, AND SHE FORGAVE YOU FOR RUINING HER SHOES?

AND SHE SAID PERHAPS I COULD EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW NOT TO BE SO MUCH THE WORST FALLING-DOWN BABY ANYMORE. IS THIS COMPRENDE? HOW NOT TO HAVE A MOUTH FULL OF BITCH. HOW TO HAVE A GOOD MOUTH IN A NICE FACE WHO DON'T EMBARRASS HER.

IT IS NOT TO WORRY. NO ONE COULD MISTAKE YOU FOR AENEAS. NO ONE COULD MISTAKE YOU FOR PAUL. YOU WERE WORRIED OF THIS? YOU ARE A WET BIRD TO THEM, YES? YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE WHAT IS GOOD.

I TELL YOUR WOMAN SHE IS SO GOOD. I TELL YOUR WOMAN I LIKE HER SO MUCH. I TELL YOUR WOMAN THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS THAT I CANNOT DO EVERYTHING SHE ASKS TWICE.

SHE IS TERRIFIC LIKE ROME, THE MOON OR BREAKFAST. YOU ARE NO GOOD CUP OF GARBAGE LIKE WEDNESDAY AND HURTING.

I GIVE HER ONE QUESTION ONLY: WHY SHE IS NOT ON FIRE? HERE EVERYONE IS USUALLY ON FIRE. I ASK IF SHE IS NOT NERVOUS TO COME NEAR SO MUCH FIRE.

SHE SAYS TO ME, SHE SAYS No offense but I do not mind when people here are on fire. That sounds mean but I just do not mind it. I am made by God so when everyone else is on fire it is just not my problem. Everyone on fire is okay to me.

SO IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE MAYBE ONLY YOU ARE HER PROBLEM. OTHER THAN YOU I DO NOT THINK SHE HAS A PROBLEM. THERE IS ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL LADY IN HEAVEN WHO IS ALSO EMBARRASSED BY YOU. SHE FEELS SO BAD FOR YOU ALL THE TIME. SHE TALKED TO A THIRD LADY, ALSO BEAUTIFUL ALSO EMBARRASSED.

SHE WAS SITTING NEAR RACHEL. DO YOU KNOW RACHEL? DO YOU KNOW ALL THE WOMEN YOU EMBARRASS? HER I DON'T KNOW. BUT THEY ALL DECIDED THAT YOU WERE THE BIGGEST PROBLEM.

THEN SHE SAID SOME MORE NICE THINGS ABOUT MY WORK. SHE DID NOT SAY MUCH ABOUT YOUR WORK AT ALL. FOR ME PERSONALLY I HAVE NOT HEARD IT, SO I CANNOT SAY. THEN SHE CRIED AND CRIED BECAUSE OF YOUR MISTAKES.

IF I MADE SUCH NICE EYES CRY I WOULD TURN INSIDE OUT AND DIE. THAT IS WHAT I WOULD DO. THEN I CAME AND FOUND YOU SO SHAMEFUL ON THE MOUNTAIN. DO YOU REMEMBER? THERE WAS A BIG DOG AND YOU WERE CRYING AND FELL OVER IN THE MUD.

SO HOW CAN I HELP. I AM NOT SURE HOW. YOU ALREADY HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS WHO ARE VERY GORGEOUS AND VERY ASHAMED OF YOU. I DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU NEED MORE. ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING A SMALL BAMBINO WITH RUINED FEET?

And I felt pretty good, like a little flower in a flower-pot feels good in the morning, when the sun straightens everything out and it's not so cold now. I felt a little piece of terrific! I said, terrific! I said, she's terrific! I said everyone's so nice to me! I said I can't believe with so much to talk about in heaven everybody's talking about me! I said I can't believe the love of my life and the Mother of God and the tallest women who ever lived are all looking out for me!

And I said let's do it! And I said if I'd been on that plane with my kids, there would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry.'

And I said I'm ready! And I said is it okay if I call you Mom? Or Dad, I'm not picky. And I said I was ready to be best friends! And I said Hark to the tale of Virgil, and the boy he loved so dear! They became the best of friends for years and years and years! And that anything Virgil wanted, I wanted! What Virgil liked, I liked! We were going to get matching jean jackets and the same haircut and he was the boss of everything about me. That's how I talked to him when he started walking away from me. We are going to be best friends from now on!

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]

*The poet Virgil. You know, from poetry?