The Augur and the Haruspex

The Haruspex

We haruspices rather look down on our simple friend the augur. By what means have the gods chosen to communicate with him?– the simple chicken. A very worthy bird, in its way. We ourselves have often enjoyed a roasted chicken wing. It makes a fine lunch on the go. But a chicken's behavior requires relatively limited interpretation: Either it eats the grain scattered across the templum, or it doesn't. And it usually does.

This is why sometimes we haruspices greet our brother-priests with "Have the chickens eaten today?" Just a private little joke between colleagues. No harm meant by it.

The Augur

If the gods themselves consider chickens a worthy vehicle for the transmission of messages, what are men to look down their noses? We take our cue from Livy, who reminds us that "We have a City [Rome – perhaps you have heard of it?] founded with due observance of auspice and augury; no corner of it is not permeated by ideas of religion and the gods; for our annual sacrifices, the days are no more fixed than are the places where they may be performed."

If others wish to root around in the canals of sheep in order to confirm what the chickens have already told us by eating certain grains, or not eating certain grains, they are more than welcome to do so. We are broad-minded. We do not seek to forbid anyone from rummaging around the intestines for confirmation. But if it is good enough for Livy and for Rome, it is good enough for us. And I do not think our wives would esteem us more highly if we came home every night reeking of the profoundest part of a sheep.

The Haruspex

We ourselves are responsible for monitoring the entrails of all sacrificed animals – so you see that our work naturally encompasses all poultry, and might rightly wonder what need there is for the chicken-specific divination of augurs when haruspices already include chickens in our own interpretation – and particularly the liver.

You are no doubt familiar with the liver, the principal organ of the body and the seat of the human spirit! Perhaps you have read Galen, the father of medicine, on the subject: "Now, why is the stomach surrounded by the liver? Is it in order that the liver may warm it and it may in turn warm the food? This is indeed the very reason why it is closely clasped by the lobes of the liver, as if by fingers."

Now consider: if the gods wish to make known their plans and desires to man, would they not wish to communicate through the noblest and highest medium available? Does a mighty king send his fleetest messenger, freshly washed and wearing the king's own livery, to update and succor his own generals? Or does he send a filthy madman, plucked from the dust of the market-square, hatless and unshod?

To put it another way: When the gods wished to punish Prometheus, what did they consider an appropriate vehicle for punishment of the highest possible ambition? Did they attack his liver, or his chickens?

The Augur

Haru meaning entrails, spec meaning observation! We are not entrails! Therefore it is not for you to observe or interpret us! Say your own sooth, and leave us to say ours!

The Haruspex

The Augur

The gods have seen fit to communicate with man in the simplest and most direct manner possible, to avoid any possible confusion. For bad news, they send an owl to perch near a public square. For good news, they make chickens hungry for grain. If they want you to found Rome, they send twelve eagles. It's a simple yes or no question.

Have you ever really looked at an uncooked liver? I mean really looked at it? There is nothing simple about it. It is riddled with the potential for misunderstandings and human error. Why would the gods put us in such an untenable position, when they have already established such a straightforwardly effective system as hungry chickens or owl for bad news?

The Haruspex

We do not quibble with the twelve eagles' method of founding Rome. Those were simpler and more heroic times, which called for simpler communiqués. In our modern, complex society, where each battle, each vote, each possible new civic endeavor may be affected by a thousand different interests, discerning the will of the gods calls for new, innovative methods. For our grandfathers, chickens and salt, needles and arrows, bones and figs were more than enough. But for ourselves and our sons, we must look to the liver.

The Augur

For your sons, maybe! We are not so ashamed of our grandfathers that we consider what sufficed for them cannot suffice for our children, too. We continue to seek the truth of the chicken. And might I add all the magistrates of the city do as well.

The Haruspex

Oh, well if the magistrates approve of it...!

The Augur

Magistrates are charged with maintaining the pax, fortuna, and salus of Rome! And of everything Roman!

The Haruspex

We merely find it curious that you are apparently so committed to honoring the ways of our forefathers! And yet our forefathers considered three augurs to be sufficient for all of Rome, while today there are more than twenty-five!

Haruspices! Shall we consult the slick, hot liver of a freshly-slaughtered bull in order to discover whether three is the same as twenty-five? If you like, we might toss some grain before the sacred chickens and say, "If they eat, twenty-five is greater than three"!

The Augur

It is not for you to strew grain before the sacred chickens! There is a particular art to strewing grain for the purposes of divination, which requires years of careful study at the collegium! You will mess with the entire system if you strew the divination grain with your sheep-fat fingers!

The Haruspex

Oh, believe me, it is plain to see that the sacred chickens will only eat the most carefully-selected offerings during the most auspicious of occasions! Tell me, what does it mean that yon red chicken has strayed from its pen and is even now plucking up fat grubs from the dirt? Was this ordained by Mercury, or by Jove?

The Augur

-- – – ! You may laugh all you like later, gut-wizard, but help me now! That grub is not authorized to be eaten! Hold it down –!

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]