You Are Not In A Swashbuckler

If a gloved man has not urgently whispered to you, "But you are in greater danger than you know,"

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If that gloved man does not pause while mounting a curved staircase to softly exclaim, "Here's a pretty game!"

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If your hated opponent, who cannot yet openly declare his enmity for you and must play at cordiality a little while longer, has not noticed during a social call the minor wound you incurred the night before while leading an assault on his chateau, and inquire placidly, "I hope you are not hurt...?"

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If you don't meet that villain's gaze and say lightly, "Only a scratch from a dog,"

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If that villain does not keep up the pretense and say, "I pray my lord will not further risk his health by playing with dangerous animals,"

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If you do not give as good as you get by saying in reply, in careless tones that nonetheless make it clear you are alluding to his own irregular birth, "You are quite right. Mongrels of uncertain parentage are never predictable – The animal must be destroyed,"

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If his handsome face does not then collapse into a dark and furious scowl, and he very nearly loses his temper in front of the whole court, when to reveal his hand would mean to lose all,

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If you're not softly lighting on the edge of a window for the briefest of moments before you fly,

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If a beautiful and virtuous woman, who does not yet realize the full scale of the game being played, does not say to you, "But you do not take off your mask, sir!" during a masquerade party,

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If you have not revealed your secret and subterranean allegiance to the King in a stirring moment where all pretenses are finally dropped and you must no longer play the rascal,

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If no one has told you that you speak treason, to which your negligent reply is, "Why, of course – fluently!"

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If you do not absently inspect your faultless Méchlin-lace cuffs for imaginary specks of dust while a furious captain of the guards attempts to threaten you,

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If no one has threatened you with hanging by telling you to have a care about your own neck,

...then it's not a swashbuckler!

If this news about the King does not for you change the shape of the world, and mean that at last you can trade your sword in to once again pick up the caduceus,

...then it's not a swashbuckler! Accept no substitutes.